On This Modern Love
Before you read on, read these two excellent posts by current (and former, sad!) NYU Localites, for they were an inspiration for this post:
Annie’s “on being vulnerable”
Jess’ “On Letting Love In”
Both of these pieces are framed within the female existence, yet they speak to something genderless: the desire (not need) to be loved. There is weakness to falling in love; its the best weakness of all. Its your admittance to the world that you are strong enough to fall in love with someone else, strong enough to reveal all of your weaknesses to another human being. I don’t think that it matters whether you are a man or a woman, there is something to be admired in people who are in love. This is why the thought of “cold quasi-relationships”, as Annie calls them, is so off-putting. There is a place for loveless sex, and I’m definitely not here to say that you’re a horrible person if you have that type of relationship with sex (that would make me a pretty big hypocrite, among other things). The problem is that some people, myself included, fall into these quasi-relationships because they don’t want to reveal their weaknesses, especially to another person, much less to themselves.
In this modern world, there seems to be a blurring of the lines between male and female roles in relationships, but not a complete dissolving of them. That’s why, even in 2010, there’s still a stigma for the “needy” woman and the “detached” man. Cynics are right this time, if only because they make it true: by perpetuating these stereotypes, we are creating a society of people afraid to fall in modern love. What’s modern love? What does that even mean? It means equality, partnership, and, well, love. It means being with someone else, while still retaining your own identity, without weakening your bond. Sounds confusing? Of course. Its the most confusing thing in the world, this idea of individualism versus dependence. Is it unachievable? I don’t think so. At least, I hold out to the hope that it isn’t.
Another problem with modern love is that relationships rely on honesty which at times leads to earnestness, that most despised quality within the twenty-somethings of our time. As Jess writes, we must avoid it at all costs: “We steel ourselves, build up walls, say something earnest and then immediately follow it with a self-deprecating joke, because we’re afraid: afraid of becoming the 1950’s “needy” equivalent of ourselves, afraid of seeming like we might actually care.” This is not a female problem (well, maybe this specific one is, but you’ll see what I mean in a second), but rather a problem of expectations for both men and woman. “Caring is Creepy”, at least according to the (hipster?) band The Shins. If you care too much, you fall into the dregs of romantic society, that place where you grow old alone, and with cats (or dogs, if you’re cool). Yet, a successful relationship (you know, one of those with a loving couple) relies on caring about another human being, mostly ahead of yourself. Can you have love with caring? I don’t think so, and I hate that this makes me seem weak. Not because I’m a man and must be detached, but because I’m a human being, and fuck it, I want to be in love.
I’ll leave this with one of my favorite “love” songs of all time, the one that inspired this blog post’s title: Bloc Party’s “This Modern Love”. To answer you, Kele, this is why we’re so damn scared of romance.
[...] Luis: I don’t think that it matters whether you are a man or a woman, there is something to be admired in people who are in love. This is why the thought of “cold quasi-relationships,” as Annie calls them, is so off-putting. There is a place for loveless sex, and I’m definitely not here to say that you’re a horrible person if you have that type of relationship with sex (that would make me a pretty big hypocrite, among other things). The problem is that some people, myself included, fall into these quasi-relationships because they don’t want to reveal their weaknesses, especially to another person, much less to themselves. [...]